


In the Past

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Tumblr Prompts [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Anxiety, Alec Lightwood Has Feelings, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Good Sibling Isabelle Lightwood, Head of the Institute Alec Lightwood, Hiding Injuries, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Lack of Communication, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Post-Episode: s02e20 Beside Still Water, Punching, Tags Are Hard, Tumblr Prompt, no beta we die like men, they both get their nice things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24297880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: After Alec and Magnus get back together in 2x20, Alec still suffers some residual anxiety from it.Or, when Alec and Magnus have a fight, Alec is scared because of what happened the last time they fought.Contains self-harm in the form of punching, non-explicit.~ requested by an anon on Tumblr ~
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Raj, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Tumblr Prompts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1751983
Comments: 25
Kudos: 468





	In the Past

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! I'm back with another Tumblr prompt - I've been getting lots lately! I have four sitting in my inbox right now, including this one. So you might see me answering some prompts before I get back to my regular brand of fics. This one was requested by an anon on Tumblr: _Hi can I request a prompt where Malec fight again post 2x20 and Alec is super insecure about it and keeps thinking that he screwed up and is just very upset with himself because he’s seen first hand how Magnus can be cold and unfeeling toward him_
> 
> There is a trigger warning for self-harm in the form of punching for this fic! Please keep yourselves safe <3 I really hope you like this! Without further ado, let's get on to the story! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Alec blinked awake leisurely, the sun streaming from the window invading his senses and eliciting a groan from him. He rolled over onto his side, causing Magnus to stir next to him. 

“Mmm, good morning, darling,” Magnus greeted him, sidling closer under the cover of the sheets. 

“Morning,” Alec mumbled back, turning to face his boyfriend. As he shifted, he accidentally pressed the still-healing demon wound on his thigh into the bedframe. He hissed in pain and stopped moving. This, of course, did not go unnoticed by Magnus.

“Alexander? What’s wrong?” He shifted so he could see Alec better and drew the covers down to look at Alec’s thigh. 

Alec heard Magnus inhale sharply and cringed. He’d been out on patrol with Jace, a couple of days after Magnus had broken up with him and sided with the Seelie Queen. He chose to believe that it was entirely due to a case of bad luck that he’d been sliced by a demon’s venomous talon and not anything to do with his mental state at the time. 

Magnus stared at the wound, dark purple and ugly, stitched up by the Institute’s medical staff, with an expression of horror and poorly concealed rage on his face. He rounded on Alec, his eyes flashing. “Alexander, why didn’t you tell me about this?!”

Alec’s eyes snapped up to meet Magnus’s when he heard the venom in his tone. He recoiled when he saw the anger there. A hot flash of fear shot through him, and he found it suddenly hard to breathe. Memories raced through his mind and he stumbled out of bed, away from Magnus.

_“...holding me back…”_

_“What do you want, Shadowhunter?”_

_“I’ll seal the rift, but not because of you or the Shadowhunters…”_

Alec fumbled over the buttons on his jeans as he yanked them on, paying no mind to the way the rough treatment jostled his wound. He threw a shirt on and stumbled out of the bedroom, ignoring Magnus’s protests. He grabbed his jacket and raced out the door. 

Alec wouldn’t go through another breakup. He _couldn’t_.

If Magnus was angry at him, it was only a matter of time. 

Alec swallowed hard and tried to refute his thoughts with logic. He and Magnus had fought before and never broken up. When Jace was missing and he’d been rude and snappish to everyone, Magnus hadn’t tolerated it. Alec closed his eyes for a second and tried to tell himself that this was merely a bump in the road, that Magnus wouldn’t really repeat the events of a few nights ago. 

Lying about the Soul-Sword was much worse than failing to inform Magnus of an injury.

Or was it?

They were both a form of lying, in a sense. 

Alec shuddered and tried to push the thoughts from his mind. His fear was irrational, and he knew it. He would _not_ let it rule him. 

A quick glance at his watch told Alec that he was already late. He and Magnus had slept in. He ignored the pang in his chest when he remembered that usually when they slept late, Magnus would portal him into the Institute. 

The sun seemed to have slunk behind the clouds in the time between when Alec woke up and when he left the apartment. The sky had turned grey and stormy, and there was a distinct chill to the air. Alec shivered and pulled his jacket tighter around him, activating his Heat rune. 

By the time he reached the Institute, Alec was soaked to the bone from cold rain that had begun pouring a few minutes into his journey and he was in the foulest mood he could ever remember being in. 

“Hey, Alec, I - ”

Alec dismissed Raj with a wave of his hand and a glare. “Not now.”

A few other Shadowhunters tried to stop Alec on the way to his office, but most of them took note of their Head’s expression and steered clear. Alec trudged into his office and kicked off his wet boots, scowling at the damp marks they made on the floor. He lit a fire in the fireplace, wishing more than anything for his warlock boyfriend to summon new clothes for him. 

Another wave of fear and self-loathing washed over him, and he clenched his jaw. He made his way over to his desk and began his paperwork. Emotions were nothing but a distraction. He couldn’t let his fight with Magnus get in the way of his ability to work.

~ ~ ~

News of Alec’s stormy disposition must have spread, because it was nearing lunchtime before any Shadowhunter dared to knock on his door. 

“Come in!” Alec called. 

Izzy peeked her head around the doorframe and gave him a wide smile. “Have you eaten anything today, big brother?”

Alec’s hands curled into fists as he thought of his morning and its distinct lack of breakfast, caused by his own hasty departure. “No,” he replied shortly. Izzy’s brows drew up and she stepped inside, offering him the sandwich she held in her hands with an air of caution. 

Alec accepted it gratefully and waved her out. “If you don’t mind, I’m really busy right now.”

Izzy frowned. “Too busy to have lunch with your little sister?”

Alec winced. He hated guilt trips. 

“Fine, fine. Come in.”

Izzy grinned and sank into the chair opposite Alec’s, biting into her own sandwich. 

A few minutes were spent eating in companionable silence, then Izzy said: “So, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”

Alec stopped chewing and gave her a look. “Nothing’s going on with me.”

“Oh, really?” Izzy raised an eyebrow. 

Before Alec could reply, another knock sounded at the door. “Come in!” Alec called, taking care to ensure his tone was pleasant and mild for Izzy’s benefit. 

It was Jace. “Hey, man,” he greeted Alec, and nodded at Izzy. “Can I join you guys?” He walked in and took a seat in front of the fire without waiting for a reply.

“Sure,” Alec growled. “Go ahead, make yourself at home.”

Jace raised an eyebrow at Izzy. “What’s up with him?”

Izzy rolled her eyes. “Hell if I know.”

Alec sighed and took a deep breath in through his nose, taking another bite of his sandwich with, perhaps, more force than strictly necessary. 

“Raj said you snapped at him,” Izzy ventured carefully. Jace seconded her statement with a solemn nod. 

“He was being annoying,” Alec retorted. 

Izzy gave him a doubtful look. 

Alec groaned. “I’m _fine_.”

“Sure you are,” Jace scoffed, his hand ghosting over his parabatai rune. 

Alec clenched his jaw tightly. He loved his siblings, and he knew they meant well, but he wasn’t about to tell them about the fear that had plagued him all day. “Whatever. I have work to do, so could you please leave me alone?”

Jace got to his feet and scowled at Alec. “I’ll be back when you’re in a better mood.” He left, closing the door behind him with a bang.

“Ignore him,” Izzy said, patting Alec on the shoulder. “We’re here for you if you want to talk.” With that, she stood up and left, too.

Alec took a deep breath and raked his hand over his face. It was going to be a long day.

~ ~ ~

The time that Alec would usually go home ended up creeping up on him quicker than he had expected, and the same fear from before clutched his heart at the thought of returning to the loft.

Alec hesitated, chewing his lip, before making a split-second decision and heading to the training room instead of the doors. 

The sight of the familiar room, laden with high ceilings and plenty of space, gave Alec some sense of comfort. He almost reached for his bow and quiver, which were hung up on the wall in their proper place, but he decided against this when he saw the punching bag hanging from one of the hooks in the ceiling. 

Alec strode over to the punching bag and wasted no time landing his first hit. Wrapping his hands crossed his mind for a brief second, but he was already working on his next strike before it had time to set in. 

The tough leather of the punching bag provided a perfect outlet for the thoughts that clogged his mind, and he landed blow after blow, trying to chase away the feeling of fear that wrapped itself around his throat and clutched at his heart any time he gave it an opportunity to. 

So intense was his concentration on the assault that he didn’t hear the footsteps as someone approached the training room, didn’t hear the sharp intake of breath or the mumbled, “Alexander,” from the doorway. 

It wasn’t until Magnus was fully in the room that Alec noticed him. 

Alec whirled around to face his boyfriend, hands immediately locking together behind his back to hide the damage. “Magnus,” he breathed, his eyes blown wide. “W-What are you doing here?”

“You missed dinner,” Magnus replied softly. He sounded hurt; he sounded sad. 

Alec felt guilt pool in his stomach. _Of course._ He and Magnus had plans to go out to eat that night. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec said. He wasn’t sure if he was apologising for missing their date, for that morning, for the Soul-Sword, or for all three. 

“It’s okay,” Magnus said. He walked closer and closer until only a few inches of space existed between him and Alec. He reached up to hold the side of Alec’s face tenderly, and Alec unconsciously leaned into the touch. 

“Why did you run off this morning, darling?” Alec felt fear shoot through him like a lance, and he tried to turn away, but Magnus’s grip on his cheek tightened, rendering him unable to. “Darling, look at me, please.” Alec took a deep, shaky breath and did so. 

A little gasp left his lips when he saw Magnus’s soft brown eyes. The anger from that morning was gone, replaced with kindness and compassion. Alec felt his eyes fill with tears, and he blinked them away before Magnus could see. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec mumbled. “I - I - Y-You were just so angry, and I thought…” He trailed off, feeling utterly and completely ridiculous. 

“You thought what, sweetheart?” Magnus didn’t let him shy away from his gaze. 

“I thought you would...get too angry…” Alec huffed in frustration at his inability to put his thoughts into words. “I just remembered the Soul-Sword, and how angry you were then.”

Magnus’s eyes widened and filled with guilt. “Oh, Alec.”

Alec looked away, unable to stand the sight of his boyfriend with those big, soft eyes staring at him with more kindness than he derseved.

“Alexander, did you think that I would break up with you for hiding an injury from me?” Magnus sounded incredulous, and Alec felt his cheeks flush pink with embarrassment. 

“No!” He defended himself. “I just...I-It just reminded me of that.”

“Alexander,” Magnus said, reaching up to hold his face with both palms. “The Soul-Sword is in the past, alright? It’s in the _past_.”

Alec nodded and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself with the knowledge of Magnus’s forgiveness. 

“Look at me, please,” Magnus instructed him, and Alec raised his eyes to Magnus’s. 

“I am not going to leave you,” Magnus said firmly. “I am _not_ going to leave you, Alexander.”

Alec felt a single tear make its way down his cheek, and Magnus hummed sympathetically and brushed it away with the pad of his thumb. 

“Can I heal these?” Magnuas asked, gesturing to Alec’s hands, bruised and bloody from his brutal attack on the punching bag. His hand ghosted over the demon wound on Alec’s thigh, and Alec sighed, releasing the tension and fear of the day with the exhale. 

He nodded, and Magnus stepped forward, brushing cool blue healing magic over Alec’s hands and the injury on his thigh. The pain lines on Alec’s face went slack, and Magnus leaned forward to place a soft kiss on his forehead. 

“Let’s go home,” Magnus said, and Alec agreed eagerly. Magnus conjured a portal and by the time he and Alec stepped through, Alec knew that they would be okay. 

Alec went to sleep that night with a smile on his face and the knowledge settled in his bones that Magnus would not leave him again.

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> Want to embrace your inner chaotic fandom participant? Require somewhere to scream about Shadowhunters and other fandoms? Need writing advice, encouragement, or new friends? [Join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) and find your place in a community of fandom-ers livin' it up! We welcome everyone, and we would love to have you. <3


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